thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
