He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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