dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
