Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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