I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
