What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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