I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
