The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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