i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
