We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
