I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
