Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
