Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
