really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
