I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
