I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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