My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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