i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
