u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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