Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Randomize
