i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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