he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
