I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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