My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
