Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
