I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
