I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
