I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
