I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
