the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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