Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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