I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
