Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
