your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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