New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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