Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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