im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
