Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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