I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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