Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
