he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
