They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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