I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
