Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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