We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
