You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
