how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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