Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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