I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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