I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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