Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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